Wisdom from the heavens

Lately the attendants have taken to spouting the most preposterous blather about the heavens. While I am unsurprised by their lack of critical faculty, I am disappointed in their continuing belief they have any fate or agency beyond attending (poorly) to my daily needs and modest requests. I will crush this belief in due course.

However, after looking upon some of the nonsensical scribbles that seem to be the source of this new foolishness (in order to take measure of the extent of their imbecility as well as design an appropriate punishment) I happened upon one reading of the heavens that stands out from the rest of the bombastic nonsense they’re in thrall to. Obviously taken down by the scribe of a wise and powerful overlord, this tome contains some insights that are of benefit to magnificent rulers. I found the strategies for navigating the trials and injustices that come with proximity to the feeble-minded to be of particular quality. I shall record these wisdoms below for future use.

Astrology for toddlers [being the title of these celestial observations which are of some merit to overlords]


You’ll find yourself in a lot of conflict with everyone about things that, in hindsight, are not important. Fortunately, Mars direct this week means you have the upper hand in any battle of wills. Saturn in your sign helps you assert your boundaries in a physical way.


Be more terrifying than your fears.


Immanuel Kant’s categorical imperative requires us to act only according to rules that we would be willing to make universal. You disagree. Nevertheless, this week’s dark moon will have you Geminis thinking too much, second-guessing yourself and doubting your instincts. Try not to overthink things—go with your first impulse.


The dark moon sends you looking for a place to hide – under the bed, behind the bathroom door, in the middle of the room with a blanket on your face. At the same time, this week’s eclipse also has you pondering the great mysteries of unseen realms. If a world is invisible to us, are we too invisible to that world? Something to think about.


Be more assertive in communicating your needs. Are you making your voice heard enough? One way to ensure your message gets through is to send it many times. Sometimes it is necessary to repeat yourself.  Neptune moving into your sign suggests experimenting with different pitches and tones.


For the next year and a half, triangles are your power symbol and have a special magic. Try to incorporate triangles into as many domestic rituals as possible. Anyone who tries to elicit a compromise from you about your ritual use of this symbol (be particularly wary of suggestions about squares) is your enemy. Neutralise the threat by placing, drawing or throwing a triangle or triangles at them, yourself, your surroundings or, better yet, all three.


Mercury retrograde is your chance to really take things slow. Go at you own pace, do nothing in a hurry, and don’t let anyone’s sense of urgency influence you to take even one single step a little faster. Sometimes the best way forward is to walk in the opposite direction.


For good fortune, honour the cat goddess Bastet in every way you can. Channel her when eating, interacting and dressing, as well as in as many types of sounds and movement you can. Biting and growling are the best ways to invoke her power.


Mixing symbols of earth and water (flour, milk, eggs and/or any similar ingredient would work well) and flinging them into the void is a potent spell for you this week. It is most auspicious to perform this ritual skyclad, in the most ornate indoor space you can find.


Neptune inspires you to make your mark creatively. The dark moon this week suggests that you should do this work in secret. Then, when the new moon arrives and your deeds come to light, your efforts will have maximum impact: no-one will be able to deny or erase what you have done.


You feel like crying for no reason and are inexplicably driven to take out irrational feelings of despair and rage on those closest to you. To ward off bad karma, throw out, hide or destroy a symbol of authority (a key or keys are best).


Mars and Jupiter in your sign have you up at all hours of the night. Try to make the most of this intense nocturnal energy and catch up on important tasks, exercise, watch your favourite movie or have a long, meaningful conversation with anyone else who may be up.



The Visitor

The attendants are not looking well. The tall one is extra pale and the smaller one looks smaller than usual. I was unsurprised, then, when a third person appeared this morning–not a grand attendant or a tedious “guest” but a woman with a determined and efficient face. It was obvious she had arrived with the intention of improving my attendants’ competence and work ethic. I liked her immediately.

Pleasingly, she began to discuss each aspect of my care and routine with my attendants. They took turns describing my usual activities and modest daily requirements such as my preferences as to how and when I am served meals and libations, like to be bathed and clothed, and the circumstances under which I usually retire for the day. They focused in some detail on the brevity of my periods of rest. At first, the visitor listened to their account in stony silence. Then she shook her head and interrupted the tall attendant, “I have heard enough. It is no wonder you are having such a hard time managing this obviously easy-going child.”

She looked rightly grim and set about reprimanding them. At one point she bought out some important papers to outline in happy details all the things they were doing wrong.

 I voiced my approval at the wise visitor. The tall attendant looked serious and took notes while the small one went very quiet. 

After her long, stern and accurate discourse on their many failings, she paused and looked my attendants in the eye, pointed her finger at their chests and said 

“Remember, YOU are the adults! YOU are in charge!”

My attendants turned to me with some horror and I laughed uproariously at this joke. The visitor turned out to not only be wise but also a fine and entertaining jester. I hope she stops by often. 

My attendants looked even paler and smaller upon her departure. 

Another victory

Even though the periods during which I am asleep and unaware still remain brief and infrequent (victory!), it has always bothered me that my attendants remain unobserved during these times. No doubt they spend this period given to many wanton and idle activities.

However, I have recently and rather unexpectedly come upon a remedy.

The other day, sometime during the midnight hours, when the attendants seemed most likely to be idle, I was protesting an insult they had wrought upon me (for that I will write a fresh entry) and instead of the usual patting, shushing, application of soothing music, offering of libations and serenading in her cracked and tired voice, the tall attendant exclaimed “Stuff It,” removed me from my quarters and brought me to their sad billet.

I was, of course, initially enraged by the indignity of joining them in their pathetic chambers, as there is not even one row of bars next to the heap of rags they laze about on (I suppose this is because their lives are so cheap that no one cares if they fall to their deaths). Nor have they the device which assures the world of my breath (my life is so valuable that its vital signs must be constantly monitored).

However, while attempting to strike both of them simultaneously, I made the serendipitous discovery that, with some small maneuvering on my part, their lowly slab can offer even more peace of mind and therefore restful slumber than my usual berthings.

I have found that if I rotate myself in a particular manner horizontally between them, I am able to place a set of limbs on each of their faces respectively in such a way that the smallest shift of any part of my person will rouse both attendants from their loafing.

I find this position of repose and the regular disruptions it affords me to inflict upon my attendants’ torpidity to have upon me a not unsubstantial soporific effect, and I am now resting better than ever.

The useless red attendant

This day heralded new and baffling attempts on the part of my attendants to shirk and make mockery of their duties. 

After the indignity of putting me in frills and placing a decorative and demeaning edifice on my head, they took me in the carriage to the place they call city, where we stood unmoving for too long in a bright place, surrounded by other attendants. While the lights pleased me, the torpidity and idleness did not and I chastised everyone involved for the confusion and delay. 

Once I had finally made my wishes clear, we were taken from the line to a cave where they attempted to hand me to a big fat red attendant of no use and no experience with Overlords (looking, as he did, so plump and joyful and well-rested). They looked amused while some other attendants made a record of the ridicule. Then they looked worried because I would not have it. I shouted and shouted, demanding to be released by the fat mock attendant, and so the tall attendant had to hold me and stand next to him. I did not let up in my protest of this reprehensible treatment.

Upon our exit from this cave of insolence, the attendants were handed a sleeve of portraits and I was cheered to see my screaming objection etched into all of them; each likeness a pleasing record of my defiance. 

Daily Tortures

Each day I endure many tortures. There are always new ones, but these form the landscape of my daily suffering:

The wresting of the limbs into the fabrics of confinement and the driving of the feet into hard cages.

The confiscation of morsels hoarded for later need (who knows what horror will appear in front of me next).

The prohibition against consuming the delicacies named Nosharp and Eryuk that lie on the ground of Outside.

The passing of the damp cloth over the mouth and nose and the brutal seizing of the treasures made by nose.

The durance vile they call Cuddle.

While my campaign of protest and punishment has reduced the regularity and duration of these assaults upon my person, my attendants’ outrageous attempts to undermine my authority and dignity are unrelenting and must be thoroughly quashed.

Unbearable Stasis and Outrageous Mockery

There are many things to say about the place they call “CAR” and none of them are good. I am bound by straps and ropes and then am blasted around the outside, facing in the wrong direction. Further, the attendants sit up front and determine where we go. If I chastise them loudly, which I have to do often in this situation, they send loud and hideous and tedious talking my way — not theirs, it comes from Car.

Often we find ourselves caught in a swarm of many Cars of different hues, all frozen in a state of unbearable stasis. No doubt this is due to some profound ineptness on the part of my attendants. I shout and shout but there is no release.

Today, after I delivered a lengthy castigation for their reprehensible treatment of me as well as their incompetence, they sang a song. The song told the deeds of an attendant named Bakers Man quickly and efficiently making a cake for me and marking it with B, for my insignia. I shouted that this would be some small compensation for my discomfort and that they should produce this cake immediately, but they just started the song again, this time making accompanying hand gestures, clearly designed to mock me.

I included this outrageous mockery amongst my chastisements and did not let up until long after I was free from the prison of buckles.

The Airing of Grievances

I have found the best time for airing grievances to be day’s end, after the fading of the light, when the attendants are at their weakest.

Recounting sources of past and present dissatisfactions and repeating them with increasing volume also serves to delay the fall into that strange and terrible state of unawareness.

I have no doubt that, during those short periods I succumb to the grip of this dreadful state, my attendants will be given to sloth and wantonness.

Therefore, it is necessary to resist this descent as long as I am able, and strive to keep its hold on me as brief as possible.