Even though the periods during which I am asleep and unaware still remain brief and infrequent (victory!), it has always bothered me that my attendants remain unobserved during these times. No doubt they spend this period given to many wanton and idle activities.

However, I have recently and rather unexpectedly come upon a remedy.

The other day, sometime during the midnight hours, when the attendants seemed most likely to be idle, I was protesting an insult they had wrought upon me (for that I will write a fresh entry) and instead of the usual patting, shushing, application of soothing music, offering of libations and serenading in her cracked and tired voice, the tall attendant exclaimed “Stuff It,” removed me from my quarters and brought me to their sad billet.

I was, of course, initially enraged by the indignity of joining them in their pathetic chambers, as there is not even one row of bars next to the heap of rags they laze about on (I suppose this is because their lives are so cheap that no one cares if they fall to their deaths). Nor have they the device which assures the world of my breath (my life is so valuable that its vital signs must be constantly monitored).

However, while attempting to strike both of them simultaneously, I made the serendipitous discovery that, with some small maneuvering on my part, their lowly slab can offer even more peace of mind and therefore restful slumber than my usual berthings.

I have found that if I rotate myself in a particular manner horizontally between them, I am able to place a set of limbs on each of their faces respectively in such a way that the smallest shift of any part of my person will rouse both attendants from their loafing.

I find this position of repose and the regular disruptions it affords me to inflict upon my attendants’ torpidity to have upon me a not unsubstantial soporific effect, and I am now resting better than ever.