Wisdom from the heavens

Lately the attendants have taken to spouting the most preposterous blather about the heavens. While I am unsurprised by their lack of critical faculty, I am disappointed in their continuing belief they have any fate or agency beyond attending (poorly) to my daily needs and modest requests. I will crush this belief in due course.

However, after looking upon some of the nonsensical scribbles that seem to be the source of this new foolishness (in order to take measure of the extent of their imbecility as well as design an appropriate punishment) I happened upon one reading of the heavens that stands out from the rest of the bombastic nonsense they’re in thrall to. Obviously taken down by the scribe of a wise and powerful overlord, this tome contains some insights that are of benefit to magnificent rulers. I found the strategies for navigating the trials and injustices that come with proximity to the feeble-minded to be of particular quality. I shall record these wisdoms below for future use.

Astrology for toddlers [being the title of these celestial observations which are of some merit to overlords]


You’ll find yourself in a lot of conflict with everyone about things that, in hindsight, are not important. Fortunately, Mars direct this week means you have the upper hand in any battle of wills. Saturn in your sign helps you assert your boundaries in a physical way.


Be more terrifying than your fears.


Immanuel Kant’s categorical imperative requires us to act only according to rules that we would be willing to make universal. You disagree. Nevertheless, this week’s dark moon will have you Geminis thinking too much, second-guessing yourself and doubting your instincts. Try not to overthink things—go with your first impulse.


The dark moon sends you looking for a place to hide – under the bed, behind the bathroom door, in the middle of the room with a blanket on your face. At the same time, this week’s eclipse also has you pondering the great mysteries of unseen realms. If a world is invisible to us, are we too invisible to that world? Something to think about.


Be more assertive in communicating your needs. Are you making your voice heard enough? One way to ensure your message gets through is to send it many times. Sometimes it is necessary to repeat yourself.  Neptune moving into your sign suggests experimenting with different pitches and tones.


For the next year and a half, triangles are your power symbol and have a special magic. Try to incorporate triangles into as many domestic rituals as possible. Anyone who tries to elicit a compromise from you about your ritual use of this symbol (be particularly wary of suggestions about squares) is your enemy. Neutralise the threat by placing, drawing or throwing a triangle or triangles at them, yourself, your surroundings or, better yet, all three.


Mercury retrograde is your chance to really take things slow. Go at you own pace, do nothing in a hurry, and don’t let anyone’s sense of urgency influence you to take even one single step a little faster. Sometimes the best way forward is to walk in the opposite direction.


For good fortune, honour the cat goddess Bastet in every way you can. Channel her when eating, interacting and dressing, as well as in as many types of sounds and movement you can. Biting and growling are the best ways to invoke her power.


Mixing symbols of earth and water (flour, milk, eggs and/or any similar ingredient would work well) and flinging them into the void is a potent spell for you this week. It is most auspicious to perform this ritual skyclad, in the most ornate indoor space you can find.


Neptune inspires you to make your mark creatively. The dark moon this week suggests that you should do this work in secret. Then, when the new moon arrives and your deeds come to light, your efforts will have maximum impact: no-one will be able to deny or erase what you have done.


You feel like crying for no reason and are inexplicably driven to take out irrational feelings of despair and rage on those closest to you. To ward off bad karma, throw out, hide or destroy a symbol of authority (a key or keys are best).


Mars and Jupiter in your sign have you up at all hours of the night. Try to make the most of this intense nocturnal energy and catch up on important tasks, exercise, watch your favourite movie or have a long, meaningful conversation with anyone else who may be up.